Confusion
by Tres Mechante
Summary: Tony tries to come to terms with revelations about his latest ladylove. SPOILERS for “Dead Man Talking” as this is a continuation of the episode.


Confusion By Tres Mechante  
  
Tony tries to come to terms with revelations about his latest ladylove. MAJOR SPOILERS for "Dead Man Talking" as this is a continuation of the episode.  
  
Angst  
  
Disclaimer: Navy NCIS is not mine – any of it. The only profit I receive from this story is a good night's sleep because my muse promised if I wrote this then s/he would leave me alone and stop hijacking my dreams.  
  
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Sitting at my desk, head in my hands, an icepack on the lump growing on my head I feel pathetic. Glancing up at movement across the room, I see Kate looking at me, rather like a vulture waiting to swoop, I think uncharitably.  
  
"Go ahead," I say. "I can take it."  
  
Sauntering over, coming in for the kill, she leans on my desk and asks, "What was it like tonguing a guy?"  
  
I just stare at her a moment, stunned. "Forget it. I can't take it." And with that I grab my things and leave.  
  
Safe in my apartment I lean back against the locked door, staring into the dark. I hear Kate's voice in my head. "What was it like tonguing a guy?" Over and over that question echoes until I want to scream. "I didn't KNOW it was a guy!"  
  
Oh God, I feel so... I don't even have the words to describe what I feel. Or if indeed I even feel. I head for the shower, still not bothering with lights. Shedding my clothes along the way I have only one thought – to wash away the death, the humiliation, the confusion,  
  
Using only the light from outside for illumination, I run the shower – hot – and move under the punishing spray. I sigh in relief and grab the soap, wishing I could scrub my mind the same way I did my body.  
  
For just a moment, as I lathered my arms, I remembered her touch and thought I smelled her perfume. No. Not her. Him. God, I'm so confused. And so tired that for a moment I couldn't even stand upright. Leaning against the shower wall my defenses crumble and everything comes rushing back - a kaleidoscope of images. Images of Amanda.  
  
Stop it! Not Amanda. Him! Lt. Commander Voss. Thief. Murderer. Imposter. Heart's desire.  
  
I see her again in my mind's eye. Beautiful body. That's what I noticed first. Then when I ran out to meet her I was entranced by her eyes, her smile... A date, just to get to know each other. This wasn't for the investigation. I didn't care if she was a suspect, or a connection to Voss. I just wanted her. Her.  
  
Stop it! Him! Amanda wasn't Amanda. She was Voss...He was Voss. God I'm so confused.  
  
The hot water continues to pour down over me, rushing over my body the way memories rushed through my mind.  
  
The kiss at the bar. Wild, erotic, addictive. I would have done anything for more. Anything... anything? How far would things have gone? Would she – he – have stopped things before they went too far? I'm not sure I could have. If Gibbs hadn't called and told me... And then everything went to hell.  
  
Amanda/Voss came back to the table. Confrontation. Weapons drawn. Gibbs suddenly is standing there with a gun to her head. And with a single shot, it was over. The most beautiful, exciting woman I ever met did not exist. The man who was in the process of becoming that woman was gone. And I was lost.  
  
I am lost.  
  
"What was it like tonguing a guy?" Kate's taunt is still echoing in my ears. And there is no answer. I didn't know Amanda was Voss, that she was he. I only knew Amanda. Yes, Amanda was a guy, but I kissed Amanda. Beautiful, vibrant, sexy Amanda.  
  
Yes I made out with a guy, but not really, because I thought... Suddenly it's just too much. My legs won't hold me upright anymore and I slide down the wall to the floor. The scalding water cascading over my body is nothing compared to the bitter acid of tears trailing down my face.  
  
I am so tired. I will have to go back to work tomorrow. I will have to face them, watch them look at me and wonder how the consummate ladies man couldn't tell that he was groping a guy. Somehow I will get past that, but not now. Right now I am so very tired. Weary beyond words and needing some respite from the day's trauma.  
  
Closing my eyes I force everything from my mind, focusing only on the here and now. Drawing a deep breath I concentrate on shutting off everything, even my own thoughts. I hear only the traffic outside, the shower spray...and my own sobs.  
  
-End- 


End file.
